I use two phrases in almost all my academic posts, one of which is “alumni” (the other being “industry experts”). Please note that the addition of double-quotes is what makes these phrases nouns instead of adjectives.
After a lot of queries, I took it upon myself to define for everyone what “alumni” means, how to identify them, and most importantly, how to defend yourselves against them – because trust me – they can and will try to harm you (this is part of the definition).
Part of the motivation came when I visited the ISSC website (I regularly ensure they’re not scientifically spreading viruses again). Some of the “alumni” comments, motivated me to help juniors identify this species so they can defend themselves, and not fall for some of the inaccurate, and some totally false comments made by them.
Let’s establish a scenario:
1. In every Dark-Ages-era teacher (almost all teachers you’ll find in Pune Univ today) is the imperialist tendency for “control”. Not that this “control” gets them anything tangible, but it gives them a sense of power in their otherwise worthless lives. To gain this control, they need someone who can be controlled in the first place.
2. In every college there are students who want “power”. Again, in their loser lives, nobody gives a damn about them, and they’re willing to do anything (except hard work) for gratification. Gratification may be in abusing classmates, juniors, getting a “better job”, etc.
Every time both these conditions exist in a habitat, an “Alumni” is born. They form a symbiotic bond with the teachers. They become the teacher’s pets (actually my dog gets better treatment than an alumni gets from their patron). The teacher uses their influence (or rather their ability to invent rules) to give this alumni power, in return for complete control over their life.
If you’re reminded of Jesus being tempted by all the promise of all the Kingdoms on Earth, you’re not far off from reality, and I presume you’ll be smart enough to put two and two together and figure out who’s who in this alegorical similarity.
These Kingdoms granted may be in the form of Ph.D. admissions, high-profile jobs (or in some cases, pathetic jobs are redefined to be high-profile when an “Alumni” is incapable of getting into a high-profile job with all efforts), or in a simpler case, to invite them to give “guest talks” so they can satisfy their egoes in front of kids 5 years younger than themselves (if you thought that’s how you’d define a coward, well, I won’t stop you).
Thus the origins an “Alumni” take place. Now comes the part of “First Contact”. Most naive kids are taken off guard by an Alumni and turned into zombies. Before this happens with any of you, I encourage you to read the following, so that you may identify an “Alumni” before you’re bitten, cause believe me, while dog-bites have Anti-Rabies shots to save you, an “Alumni”-bite has no known remedy (people like me are working hard to find a cure). This is part of the reason people prefer dogs as pets over other alternatives.
How to identify an “Alumni”:
1. This species is also known, in non-scientific terms, as an “industry expert”. Knowing this is your first step in identifying one.
2. An “Alumni”s main source of power comes from people who’re naive, and at least five years younger them themselves. Unable to even compete with their own classmates, it goes without saying that they’re unable to show-off in front of anyone real worthwhile. Hence “Alumni” will often be found telling freshers how stupid they are, and getting an ego boost out of it.
3. “Alumni” also depend on misinformation. They can be identified easily if they prevent you from reading websites, competing globally, or talking to anyone in the industry except themselves. They depend on your not knowing facts. This is a sure-tell sign of a speciman of this species.
4. “Alumni” depend on some external justification for their gratification. This is a no-brainer since they have nothing of their own to show for it. They will never show you any code they ever wrote or anything they’ve personally done themselves. Instead, they’ll use the institutions where they got in for a Ph.D. or the company names where they work. This is the easiest and most externally-visible identifier for an “alumni”. Essentially, not being able to compete with classmates, they’re also quite incapable of competing against students five years younger than themselves. You won’t find an “alumni” actually telling a fresher how to write good code; the only thing he’ll say is how bad code a fresher is writing.
5. They will use big fancy words. Since what they say within their peer circle is so trivial that it’s ridiculed, you’ll spot an “alumni” talking to freshers and using words they (I meant both the fresher and the “alumni”) don’t understand.
There are many more signs but I don’t have time to document them all. However, if you come across one and find a sign I’ve missed, please feel free to mail me and I’ll add it here.
Defense: How does one defend themselves against this species? Especially with so much political-backing?
1. If you’ve not guessed already, “Alumni” are inherently cowards. They’re afraid of face-to-face fights. If you already know the company a certain “Alumni” works for, the easiest defense is to mail someone in the company’s non-Alumni section to deliver a guest lecture. The representative of the company will in most likeliness will not be an “Alumni”, and the “Alumni” will be inherently afraid for a faceoff with someone their company chooses to send instead of themselves. It’s an easy way to gain some confidence yourselves. If their company is ashamed to send them to represent itself, they’re partially defeated.
2. Ask the “Alumni” questions. This is a great defense, but may come at a price of retalliation from the teacher who’s herding the stock. If done right, with a sweet innocent face, this can disarm them. They’ll curse you and promise they’ll never speak to an “arrogant” class such as yours ever again! Freedom at last! Being inherent cowards, they’re not very good at defense. You’ll notice they’ll never have an open questions section during their guest talks. Questions you can ask range from “can they show you some code they wrote when they were students?”, or “did you ever win any contests?”, “what were your projects?” etc.
3. Become a Jedi Knight. Their source of power comes from the fact that they can “control your placements”. Be passive. Medidate. And you will come to realise a beautiful truth! They can’t do anything. Their company needs you. No alumni can prevent you from getting hired. Unless that alumni is a majority stock-holder (which would contradict very definition of the loser-nature of “alumni”), they have absolutely no way to hurt you in any way whatsoever towards your employment opportunities.
4. Become an even better Jedi. Learn to let go of what you want the most. Simply convincing yourself that you don’t even want go to any places where an “Alumni” will be present, can provide great relief. Aim for something higher than where they are. This is the ultimate weapon against an “Alumni”. Make them redundant. Make them irrelevant. Nothing defeats an Alumni as losing their power. To give you an analogy, they’re like Dementors who feed off of your fear. They’ll resist and struggle for a while trying to convince you how you really need them. Over time, you will realise that it is really them who _need_ you to need them. When this ultimate realisation of knowledge takes place, you shall be freed from them forever.
That’s all for now. Will post more defensive lessons soon. Live long and prosper….. and may the force be with you all!
